Spring Break
The truth as I see it
The final 'Truth as I see it'
Austin Rucker, Columnist, arucker@smu.edu
Issue date: 5/2/08 Section: The Mix
So what we should do is just admit that yes, Iraq is a big mistake and they are just a bunch of kids who can't take care of themselves. Let's announce to the world that we are going to pull out of Iraq and rename it "Muslim Paradise." It might also be appropriate to point out that the Hindus in India are doing a really good job, and we'd like to see if Islam is a better religion by comparison.
When was the last time you heard of a Hindu extremist?
Oh, I remember one, his name was Ghandi, and guess how many heads he had to saw off on YouTube to become a pillar of respect around the world? Here's a hint: It's less than six.
I'll tell you one thing, the Hindus had a much better solution than just blowing everything up and killing anyone who doesn't pray five times a day. I mean, you can't eat cows, but even if you do it's not like you are going to get your head sawed off on the Internet.
And really, you have to wonder who goes and saws off a head.
Like, I have really good friends, but I can't think of one who I'd call up and be like, "Hey, we gotta saw this guy's head off, but I just got new carpeting so I was wondering if we could use your place. What? No, no, we've been torturing him for days, so if he wants to escape let him try. Yeah, well, that would work, but Samir shot him in the kneecap, so if you want to lock the windows anyway, that's great. We gotta go kill our neighbors and steal their donkey first, so we'll cart on over around 5 p.m."
The president should be required to take at least one test during his term of service, and any American student who gets the exact same score, right down to missing No. 6 in the reading section, should get free admission and college tuition ANYWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES as well as a trip to the moon. I mean, hell, we've been going there for like 40 years and it's about time some of those kids we've been promising a moon base to have a snowball's chance in hell of seeing it.
I've got the best politically correct idea on earth. Let's go to Baghdad, find an African-Iraqi single, unwed teen who's a mother of twins and make her the first human on Mars. Or we could make a human out of the arms of a Native American, the legs of a white guy, the head of an Asian and the body of an oppressed Polish Rabbi and make him secretary of state. Who cares what he thinks, we're progressive…
When was the last time you heard of a Hindu extremist?
Oh, I remember one, his name was Ghandi, and guess how many heads he had to saw off on YouTube to become a pillar of respect around the world? Here's a hint: It's less than six.
I'll tell you one thing, the Hindus had a much better solution than just blowing everything up and killing anyone who doesn't pray five times a day. I mean, you can't eat cows, but even if you do it's not like you are going to get your head sawed off on the Internet.
And really, you have to wonder who goes and saws off a head.
Like, I have really good friends, but I can't think of one who I'd call up and be like, "Hey, we gotta saw this guy's head off, but I just got new carpeting so I was wondering if we could use your place. What? No, no, we've been torturing him for days, so if he wants to escape let him try. Yeah, well, that would work, but Samir shot him in the kneecap, so if you want to lock the windows anyway, that's great. We gotta go kill our neighbors and steal their donkey first, so we'll cart on over around 5 p.m."
The president should be required to take at least one test during his term of service, and any American student who gets the exact same score, right down to missing No. 6 in the reading section, should get free admission and college tuition ANYWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES as well as a trip to the moon. I mean, hell, we've been going there for like 40 years and it's about time some of those kids we've been promising a moon base to have a snowball's chance in hell of seeing it.
I've got the best politically correct idea on earth. Let's go to Baghdad, find an African-Iraqi single, unwed teen who's a mother of twins and make her the first human on Mars. Or we could make a human out of the arms of a Native American, the legs of a white guy, the head of an Asian and the body of an oppressed Polish Rabbi and make him secretary of state. Who cares what he thinks, we're progressive…
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